There is a tide in the affairs of men,
Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune

I hate those guys

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2006 was a year of change for many of us. Personally, I have spent a lot of time adjusting to a new culture, a new job (of sorts), a new climate, a new language and a new lifestyle. For this reason, I have been silent regarding a pressing issue on which, I am well aware, the reading public desires my opinion. Well, it's time for me to speak.

Terrell Owens is a Dallas Cowboy

This simple, declarative sentence raises a host of emotions, which, if I was Bill Simmons, would elicit 4000 words of passionate self-flagellation interspersed with references to Beverly Hills, 90210 and The Godfather: Part II (I'm thinking Frankie Pentangeli, not Fredo). Fear not, I am still Sunset Shazz, so you'll get no more than 500 words, and no pop culture references.

Let me say unequivocally: I am quite simply thrilled that out of the 31 possible teams to which he could have moved, he was snapped up by that evil lunatic Jerry Jones, and will henceforth prove to be a cancer for the hated Cowboys. Clearly, Owens is incredibly talented. In 2004, he took a team that had over the prior four year period achieved the best win-loss record in the league (and yet had fallen short of even contesting a Super Bowl), and made that team better. It should be noted that Owens did not lead The Eagles "over the hump" to the Super Bowl XXXIX, as he was hurt for the two playoff games leading up to that contest.

More notable were the consequences of Owens' behaviour the following year. As was amply documented elsewhere, Number 81 found himself disgruntled with a contract he had signed merely one year earlier, and his ensuing shenanigans completely unraveled his team's season, ultimately resulting in his suspension by the Eagles' management. This was a team that, until then, had exhibited an almost-maddening probity and consistency under the squeaky-clean Mormon tutelage of head coach Andy Reid. The calm, methodical manner in which Reid, Eagles president Joe Banner, and owner Jeffrey Lurie had managed the team was replaced with utter chaos, leading to a catastrophic season marked by locker room in-fighting. Until the arrival of Owens, such dissension would have seemed unfathomable under an Andy Reid-coached team.

Can you imagine what kind of havoc Owens will wreak with an unhinged, senile Jerry Jones calling the shots and a permanently-scowling Bill "I'm too old for this shit" Parcells calling the plays? Oh, and his quarterback is old and shaky.

Cowboys fans, welcome to hell.

[Barely suppressed chortle]

Update: It just occurred to me that the Cowboys have also engaged an "idiot kicker who [gets] liquored up and [runs] his mouth off". This should be interesting.

126 Responses to “I hate those guys”

  1. Anonymous faceman 

    care to make a wager: cowboys will have a better record than the eagles during the regular season this year.

  2. Anonymous Sunset Shazz 

    Hmmm, gambling? On football? Interesting idea, I think I'll go with it. . .

    I accept your wager, sir, and propose that the tie breaker follows standard NFL divisional rules. And I further propose the following stakes: one bottle of single malt Scotch whisky.

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About me

  • I'm Sunset Shazz
  • Living the dream in Istanbul, Turkey
  • I grew up in the hardscrabble streets of suburban Ottawa, Ontario, committing petty crime, insulting the elderly - basically the classic misspent youth. When I was 19, I moved to West Philly, where I put myself through the Wharton School by dealing crack and hustling. After stints in Paris and London, I eventually graduated and moved to San Francisco, where I put in eight years hard labor working for The Man. But now I pop bottles with models, deciding cracked crab or lobster - who says mobsters don't prosper?
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